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28.2.06
What a day.../ 12:34 AM Well, didn't sleep for the whole of last night, tonight will be another sleepless night. Guard duty for bazaar ar, no choice... :( Tomorrow will be another day of fun, excitement and handling of last minute issues. Was around since last night till this morning to ensure the smooth set up of the bazaar. Well, some last minute cock-ups did happen, but thank god its all solve-able... All thanks to the fellow "fire-extinguishers" of my O comm... :P Oh nos!!! Now, even Charmaine also say that I'm old! and she said that I look much older than last time during o week!!! She said that I'm more "matured" now, hope its really so, in times like now, maturity is very very important. After spending first half of the day setting up bazaar settling PR and vendor issues, I've just found myself 2 personal aspirations: -When I go out to work next time, I'll wana be a diplomat or PR person, handling external issues and relating to people, esp inter-organisation... -If I can't be a diplomat, I would like to be a manager, handling only last minute crises! hahas... |
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27.2.06
clarifications/ 3:57 AM After so long, after so many events and incidents, I still firmly believe and know that my brudders are the ones that understand me most, care for me the most, and know how much change I've been through, how much and what are the things and people around me that I value most. Just some clarifications, I never wanted to "conquer" the world. I don't have such ambitions. I never wanted to prove anything. I don't need to nor have to. I'm just here to learn. All this while, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Yups, that's all... Bit bit will continue to change bit by bit for the better... :) |
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26.2.06
I didn't want all these to happen.../ 2:40 PM Its Sunday, 1436hrs, 2 more hours before the setting up of bazaar start, waiting for the arrival of one of the stall vendors who wana set up his stall earlier, and to handle some last minute situations... Coz im the DPD of this project, and I stayed in school, so I'm here to handle last minute crises... Since there are 2 more hours to go, I decided to stay in the clubrm, enjoy some time by myself, enjoy the peace of the clubrm while re-evaluating some thoughts by myself... Then my brudder came online and talk to me... Moments later, I started crying... Still, as an ego person, I tried to suck it back, but, I broke down totally when I saw my blog titled "I Not Stupid 2" a few days ago... Still, it was a good cry, haven't been able to cry for a loooong time... Wana find someone to talk about it, but after much thinking, decided to keep it to myself instead...Partly because no one understands (mebbe no one care in the first place), and I'll feel worst if others shoot me back. Also partly because I don't know how I should put it across. Thus, I've decided to keep it to myself... The feeling of no one understanding you is much much worst than being misunderstood. It's even worst if you don't understand it yourself... I know a lot of people bu shuang me. I know a lot of people angry with me. I know a lot of people want to see me change for the better for them. I appreciate all these feelings towards me. But still... I've really, really tried my very, very best le... I don't wana scold or kao beh about anything or anyone, coz its my fault, it really is, right from the start... I chose this route myself, and I've to bear the consequences... This is the first time I felt so weak ever since I chose this path... I also know it myself that, everytime when I broke down by myself, alone and away from others, a major change in me will take place... Hope that this change is for the better... |
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25.2.06
Sometimes ar.../ 2:54 PM Sometimes, the feeling of others not understanding is worst than being misunderstood... Is being a PD really that important? Hmm... Mebbe I'm really being selfish... Anyway, time will tell... History will give the answer... :P On that note, I nida start on my history essay!!! |
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24.2.06
Tired... Hopefully/ 11:21 AM Tired, really tired... My night was gone because I was worried for a friend of mine, end up I can't do the things I intended to do... Tired, not because of my most impt project now, Arts Bazaar. In fact, I'm now all geared up in the battle-mode for it, all prepared for any emergencies and last minute stuff... (like Rayner said, I'm the "fire extinguisher" hahas...) Tired, not because of the essay that will be due next week nor the test next friday in which I have no time to prepare. In fact, now I'm feeling more like full time arts club and part time student, not stressed over studies at all! Tired, not because of lack of sleep, in fact, I got used to this kinda lifestyle le, sleep more and I'll feel more tired... Tired coz of others' issues... Tired coz I'm worried for others... Tiring, its really tiring... Mebbe that's why seniors say that MC is a steep cumulative learning curve... My brudder said I dun look alrite recently, "more of like, disillusioned, sian", he said... Steady man, what a good brudder I have, din tell him aniting, and yet he knows that something is wrong (really hope to have more of such friends around, really)... But I told him, I'm not disillusioned, I know what I want in life and I'm learning everything I can learn... Now, I'm just taking a little step back to reflect on everything and hopefully can get the bigger picture... Hopefully... |
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23.2.06
I not stupid 2/ 1:16 AM Just watched "I Not Stupid Too"... Really a very touching and thought-provoking movie... Nearly cried. In fact, tears did roll down, but I suck it back. That's why now I feel horrible within... "我要怎么跟你讲你才会听？" "我做什么都不对!!" "我怎么做你都不满意!!" And many many more statements that all sound so familiar... All the growing up stories that once happened on me, some of which are still happening now... Was talking to a friend today about making a sacrifice for something else, and I was telling him that I had many such personal experiences. I was telling him that sometimes, some decisions might be deemed wrong by many others, but as long as you feel that its right, proceed with it, but must bear the consequences... Suddenly, another friend said: "just like last time his (bit bit) rop and grandma"... All of a sudden, I felt a tinge of sadness, guilt etc etc... Perhaps that explains why I nearly cried while watching I not stupid too... Of ROP and my grandma that's lying in the hospital, I chose the former... coz I feel that there's nothing constructive I can do in the hospital to help her, and only left ROP for a few hours to visit my grandma, who's seriously ill... Of internal elections and my grandma's first day of wake (my grandma died 2 hours before my elections), I chose the former... Coz its an impt day to me and I can't help out in any way for the setting up of the wake... Of spending more time at home with my ageing parents and be a fillial son, I chose to spend more than 90% of my time in school, juggling Arts Club, Hall, friends, sch work etc etc... Coz I feel that young men should spend his youth to accomplish something and make a name for himself, and also to make the family proud of this son, and to learn more and get more life experiences for myself while I'm young... But, are all these really what my family wants of me? Sometimes, I really feel that I'm inhuman, void of feelings, hard-hearted, good at concealing my inner emotions etc... Shall end it here... Too many emotions overflowing, can't really think well... |
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21.2.06
Mrs Tan vs Mr Huo/ 3:18 AM Was talking to my mum, dad, sis on the Taxi while on our way for lunch outside on Sunday... Topic was well, my favourite now, Mr Huo Yuan Jia... Well, I was telling my mum that Mr Huo is a hero, my mum disagrees, thinking (as usual) that he is juz being "kaypo", in the end, even have to pay up using his own life. My sis said that such a person at such time is necessary for such a nation, and comment that it is his fate to die, looking very much on hindsight and on a historical viewpoint. I said that that's the fate of a hero, all heroes must die early and "spectacularly" so that his deeds can be passed down and that people will remember him and his spirit. I also said that he was doing what was necessary and what he thought was right, ignoring what will happen to him eventually and taking away the historical perspective... Suddenly, my mum said this: "If I were to give birth to a son, who's going to be a hero but dies young, then why should I have this son in the first place. What's the kick in 白发人送黑发人?" Then she said that Mr Huo is being very selfish, concerned about his pride, name etc, but not his disciples, family, friends etc, saying (as usual) that he did not take into considerations of the repercussions of his actions... My dad, as usual, kept quiet. He always keep quiet and stay neutral in such issues. Well, when I heard this statement initially, I was quite pissed, thinking (as usual) that my mum is narrow-minded, selfish, kia-si etc etc, simply put, not "man" at all... But, after thinking for quite some time, I start to realise what she's thinking and feeling. You won't understand my mum's thinking and how I'm feeling unless you're the only son of the family who happens to be an egoistic, chauvinistic proud man... Thanks mum, though I don't agree with your views and don't like the radical way you put things across, still, I can feel the love and concern from you. Don't worry, I know my role (I hope so)... I won't let you nor the family down... |
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20.2.06
Watching O week video/ 10:57 PM Finally took up the courage to watch the O week video now... Don't know why I'm so afraid of watching it last time... Afraid to look at the past? Maybe... Like what hock said, I really look like cock... hahas, those were the days... And, as what many others said, I really look v young that time, and much happier as well... Well, saw many others as well... Rayner, hong, jj, xiaoyan, lao k, hong, bobz, tommy, aya, swi, carol etc etc... So many smiley faces, so many happy individuals... So much ra-ra-ness and happiness... So much for the happy past... Felt like crying after watching the video, dono why... nonetheless, I feel that the energy's back again... Sometimes, its good to look back to understand why you make certain decisions in life... :) This year's o-week will be much better, with everyone happy after everything, everyone remembering Arts Club, more affiliates, and more yr1s to run for MC... Yeah!! Roles really change and re-define behaviour... Will it change character too? Whatever it is, I've a role to play, I know what it is and I will do it to my best... I always believe in this theory: "if everyone is eager and all out fighting, there must be someone to look after the rear... Not that he don't want to be a general at the warfront, but he sees the need for him at home..." Sometimes, problems at home are more tricky than problems abroad... Well, hope people understand... |
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19.2.06
Things that I want.../ 4:45 PM I want... A new pair of sandals... A new set of clothes: new set of formal wear, new berms, new T-shirt... A few more kg of weight A few more cm of height A lot more energy, courage... A few more doeses of sleep A few more hours a day A lot more understanding from everywhere and everyone... A shine on my face... I went back home yesterday night and my sister say that I've lost the "shine" on my face... Less taken-for-granted-ness A new, matured, changed but happy bit bit... Sometimes, maturity don't come with happiness... Well, that's all about growing up and learning, I guess... Man always learn best through the hard way... Tts all that bit wants... Its only a little bit... |
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18.2.06
tests/ 3:22 AM Help me do these tests ley, looks interesting... hahas... http://kevan.org/johari?view=bit%20bit http://kevan.org/nohari?view=bit Thank you!! |
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Roles/ 2:26 AM Today, Prof Kripa enlightened me with this statement: "Roles Change Behaviour" Yup, think this statement itself explains a lot of things... We all have our own roles to play, sometimes we might even need to conform into our roles... Thats "命运"... :P "人，从来都不是为了自己而活着" Really need to constantly tell myself that, and hope that others can understand too... Was really very sad and worried today when I saw my friends cry... Really very worried... Very sad when I saw my brudder msn nick is: "the Ah Bangs is disintegrating" Don't worry, that won't happen de... Coz I strongly believe so... And bec we're not a clique, we're brothers... Was worried when I heard this over the hp last night: "Listening to sad songs now so I sad lo"... Will try to find out more... Read my friend's blog, very inspired and gladdening when I saw this: ' in the end, what are you really working for? who are you really accountable to? Hmm, upon saying all these, den what about myself? Am I prepared? Have I learnt enough to fulfill my role? Time will tell... That's what makes everything so exciting! :) |
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17.2.06
dono what title i shld give it.../ 3:47 AM Never knew that my blog can have such a great effect on others' lives... On another note, just hope that everything will be fine... Everything and everyone... Bit by bit, I'm beginning to understand and feel more for the lyrics of wu jian dao... hahas Bit by bit, I'm getting tired... Bit by bit, I 'm feeling old (NOOOOOOOO!!!!) Bit by bit, I'm understanding and learning more... Wana watch Huo Yuan Jia again... :P |
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15.2.06
Can I be like him again?/ 2:22 AM Was surfing the net while having msn chat with my friend a while ago... Was on the phone with my brudder a while longer ago... As I was surfing the net, I came across this old chinese essay that I wrote 4 years ago when I was 17 on the NYJC LEP website. It's titled "人生如酒"... ... Was reading it, reflecting on it, and reminiscing it... Then I ask myself: "Can I be like him again"... Sometimes, its really amazing how much a person can change... Still, we all have to change... Its always good to change... I believe so... |
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He'S at it again.../ 1:42 AM Hahas, heard a very very 劲爆 V-day story today... Well, what I hafta say is... "He'S at it again..." :P Sometimes I feel that, its really good to be rich... But still, I strongly believe that true heroes come from humble background... |
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14.2.06
Hmm.../ 2:51 AM People should really watch what they wrote on their blog. People who are being looked upon as "matured" might do the most immature things. Don't keep things to yourself for too long... Its time we all grow up... |
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12.2.06
Just feel like blogging/ 1:41 PM Just woke up from a rather nice sleep... Slept at 5am, dono why I sleep so "early", but it just happened... The moment I woke up, I felt like blogging again... A lot of things, you don't understand why, but it just happen... Sometimes, come to think of it, some things are foreseen to happen, but humans choose to disregard it till it happens... This is what in my foreign policy and diplomacy lectures say, that one way of formulating policies is to disregard the negative feedback, treating them as non-existent so that certain decisons can be made Just like how I feel for political science, I feel that diplomacy exists everywhere, not just state to state, but interpersonal and inter-organisational as well... Some quotes that I've learnt which sort of knock some sense into my head are: "Perception is all about image... Image is not only what you portray yourself to be, but what others want to think of and set to perceive you as well... Thus "misperception" often occurs... "Rationality is very very important in formulating policies" I don't really understand the lecture ont this part, but from my viewpoint, what the lecture was trying to say is that, as long as cost-ineffective and destructive wars are avoided and the interests of both antagonising sides are checked and balanced, then that policy is considered as rational... "Good diplomacy needs continuation. Diplomatic ties are built up over a long time. Diplomatic policies are often formulated due to past experiences of people and events"... "Diplomacy is about saying the nastiest things, in the nicest way possible" Yups, diplomacy is everywhere, just like politics... Most likely I'll blog again very soon... Having too many thoughts runnning through my mind now... |
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/ 4:54 AM I know that my bolg is being viewed by many of my friends and others... Therefore I need to be careful and responsible with what I blog... Sorry, there are a lot of things that I want to say, but can't say out irresponsibly on my blog... Sometimes, a little blog entry can affect a lot of things, think everyone who blogs or reads blogs knows what I mean... |
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a bit of bit bit's history.../ 2:19 AM This is gona be a long blog... bear with it guys.... Start to recall about my council days while on my way walking back to Raffles Hall from Clementi. That was the time when I was 17-18 years old... I remembered I joined council thinking that I, being once a VS prefect, a self-declared "lao jiao" in student leadership then, will be able to change things in NYJC, making it lively and a place with "school spirit" and identity. Also, I want to make more friends and at the same time, hone my leadership capablilities... For a few months, there was a lot of passion in me... But, as stress sets in, expectations from teachers, school admin and fellow councillors set in, I became a changed person, which till now I still feel its necessary... Passion is still there. But, I became too pragmatic and practical. So much so to the extent that I totally oppose to new ideas, then, as expected, unhappiness from me and towards me sets in. And, due to undue and inexplicable stress from meeting expectations of my LEP teachers, I started to give the "black face"... Guess at the same point of time, there's a lot of pple who bueh song me as well... Well, complaints that I'm egoistic, radical and chauvinistic were rampant... hahs... Made a lot of new friends when I was in NYJC. Most of them were student leaders or prominent figures in school. This I felt, as a student leader, is neccessary to build up good relations with other CCAs and esp with the teachers and school admin... Its successful, so much so to the extent that teachers often talked like a friend to me, and there were actually friends coming to council room to tok cock with me... hahs... But, can't help but to feel lonely some times. The kinda feeling that though I have a lot of friends, few can be considered as heart to heart friends... So much so that I turned introverted... As I discover more and more about my role as a student leader cum LEP scholar cum LEP student etc etc in NYJC, I started to feel that there were "a lot of things that I want to say, but can't say it out nor explain it". There was excessive banner painting and staying behind in school, excessive meetings, logistics work etc. So much to the extent that I was pissed with those who seldom help out with banner painting etc, thinking that they were "slackers"... Now, thinking back, really feel like laughing... What's the big deal about banner painting and moving benches man? Does painting a good banner help to meet the vision and aims of the council? Maybe, but certainly only a minor role... Haha, well, its all history now... :P Maybe because I was seen as dependable and effective, I can't help but to feel sometimes that I was taken for granted, sometimes for very minor tasks... But then again, who would ask pple who are not close to them to help them? With more than half of the council population are girls, and being a boys' school graduate and chauvinist, I always feel very difficult to work with many of the girls and translate my ideas effectively to them without "hurting" them... Well, we all have to learn how to work with the opposite sex somehow... Really glad that at the end of the day, many of the girls, though detested my attitude, still consider me as a good friend... :) But there was one good thing certainly... Its that I got a bunch of good brothers whom I can talk to and who understand me inside out, and male councillors who are very open towards criticism... So much so that we always use vulgarities and handsigns openly in the council room towards one another... But at the end of the day, kao beh-ed one another and everything will be ok le... That's what I call "man" working style... Looking back, these are the people who make me feel more relaxed, open and less lonely in my 2 years of JC time... :) Well, its all history le... Its going to be a whole new chapter of life ahead... :) But, many a time, I feel lonely... |
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10.2.06
Quote of the Day/ 9:08 PM Was 大便-ing while reading the sponsored Newman magazine in the AS6 toilet beside clubroom when I came across this statement: "No matter how 'LIBERAL' today's men are supposed to be, the fact of the matter is we're all CHAUVINIST at heart"... How true!!! This means that, to all the girls out there, don't be faked by those "SNAGs" who claimed to be liberal, open-minded, respect opposite sex etc, its all BULLSHIT! hahas... |
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9.2.06
Happy Birthday Lao Bit!!!/ 1:15 PM Yeah!! Its my father's (called Lao Bit by Arts Club) birthday!! Without Lao Bit's contribution, there won't be Bit Bit le, who looks exactly like a chip off the old block!!!!!! Hahas... Yups, went to NUSS Suntec to have dinner to celebrate my dad's bday... Its a good dinner. The food is good, the ambience is good, and the place is BIG!! Everything was good, except for a few instances of disturbances when people called me... Realised yesterday that I'm suffering 职业病 now. As I was eating dinner, I was thinking:"Hmm, this might be a good place for Thank You Dinner"... As I was walking around, I was searching for the corner where namecards are placed, thinking:"Its good to get more contacts"... Arghhh!!! Jialat la, really no life le!! :P |
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Happy Birthday Lao Bit!!!/ 1:15 PM Yeah!! Its my father's (called Lao Bit by Arts Club) birthday!! Without Lao Bit's contribution, there won't be Bit Bit le, who looks exactly like a chip off the old block!!!!!! Hahas... Yups, went to NUSS Suntec to have dinner to celebrate my dad's bday... Its a good dinner. The food is good, the ambience is good, and the place is BIG!! Everything was good, except for a few instances of disturbances when people called me... Realised yesterday that I'm suffering 职业病 now. As I was eating dinner, I was thinking:"Hmm, this might be a good place for Thank You Dinner"... As I was walking around, I was searching for the corner where namecards are placed, thinking:"Its good to get more contacts"... Arghhh!!! Jialat la, really no life le!! :P |
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/ 12:56 AM Sorry Layz... :( |
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/ 12:51 AM
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8.2.06
I look old?!/ 12:56 AM Piangzz!! Was talking to Gina today at the Vday bazaar booth... She said that she watched the o-week video, and told me that... "You look so young that time... Now you look much older..." Walau!!! NONONONO!! I don't want to look old!! As promised, I was quite siao-on in booth duty today... hehe... Went to support Darryl for his performance in Munchie Monkeys in the evening... Wah, his keyboard skills and singing are GOOD!! Den saw the engin club friends and my brothers, yang, pat, kok, chun kiat there too... Had a fun time talking cock and bitching... Hahas... Sorry if we're abit noisy, no choice, 大人物 talk cock of course 比较大声 la... :P However, whenever we meet up, this qn will almost definitely pop up... "You re-running next year anot? What post ar?" Hahas... Everything is too early la... |
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7.2.06
Thoughts continued.../ 3:58 AM Oh yah!! went to have supper with my brudders in SH juz now at 1am... den, they sent me back to Arts... even though its only for a short while, I really felt v relaxed and easy...Going to watch Fearless with them tml night, really looking forward to it... :) Last Friday, I went back to RH from club room to lao yu sheng with my RH frens, we tok cock for a while... A part of the conversation went like this: friend:"rabbit, u look very tired ley... Ok anot" bit:"yupz, juz a bit sick la, but im alrite de, hahaha" friend:"you know hor, last sem, i remember u laugh more naturally ley... and very ra-ra one... these few weeks, ure like trying to wear a smile lo, and trying to come up with laughters..." bit:"wa piang, got tt jialat meh?! hahas, mai lai la... I still very ra-ra wat, no one in RH can win me in that lo, and no one in RH dono who rabbit is lo... hahas..." and the tok continues... A few more days ago, I was having breakfast with Elaine and my long time friend since JC, auntie Jane... And the conversation goes... laine (kaypo as usual):"hey, Jane, so how was rabbit like in JC ar? Heard that he was very detestable and ego isit? he said he was much different from last time isit? but i think he tok cock ley... hahs..." auntie jane: change, i dono la... but i think the rabbit last time was more carefree..." bit:"wa, now I burdened by alot of things meh? hahas, mai lai la... I'm still very happy go lucky wat... hahas..." and the conversation continues... Thanks pple, thankew for all the concern... Very touched... But, really, I'm alrite de, and in fact, I'm very slack le... And I'm still very carefree as compared to many others... I always say:" rabbit, no matter how much change he's been through, will forever be the rabbit that you know him to be, regardless of who you are" And also, it might sound cocky, but, "no one will forget rabbit" :P |
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some thots/ 3:23 AM Finally got to know what was so weird le... Somehow rather, I feel and sense that something is coming along the way... Something unimaginable... Strong and hard to control, the Force is... Some statements that I heard today... "got arts club no brothers liao la" "got friends dun have hall brothers liao la" "i support u, u support me, steady right?" Haiz... 无可奈何... I tried my best le... Tired... Totally... Inside out... Mebbe it's this whole "changing" process that's tiring me out... Nonetheless, its for a better course, I hope... But I know there are others that are more tired than me... and i oso know that i hafta watch for others and support them... but, who to support mi? Haben go home for a long time... Really hope that I can celebrate my dad's bday with my family on Wed... But, there's meeting.. haiz... Oh ya, I haben started on my readings and tutorials yet!! jialat... So many things to do... jialat... So many meetings... jialat... Need to pay hall fees... jialat... Need to pay alot of pple $$... jialat... Well, tts life... thank god its sucks, otherwise, we'll all be floating le... Oh ya!! something that I must keep telling myself nowadays... Be HUMBLE!! This also shows that there's still some distance to go before I fully master the art of "talking"... Bit bit hafta go sleep le, have to recover from my sickness and sian-ness fast so that I will have enough energy to be siao-on for booth duty tml!! Hafta be siao-on for booth duty le, if not will get into trouble soon... :P Btw, why is everyone asking me about marketing nowadays? I'm not v good at it lo, pls... |
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2.2.06
Feeling Weird/ 1:44 AM Hmm, seems like the girls in my blk are very interested in my law fac room mate, and NOT me!! Law fac 了不起啊? Shageli!! Hahas, what a weird feeling... On a more serious note, feel that things are quite weird these 2 days... Something's not very right, but can't seem to grasp it... Hmm... |
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Hum Sup/ 12:01 AM Hahas, heard that got people (esp girls) say that I'm hum sup! Hahas, well, I admit I am!! I'm all prepared to acknowledge it, and never try to hide it... :P Be warned:"people who behaved like nice guys are normally the most dangerous beasts!" |
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