they say that change is the only constant in this world.

i agree that we should always be ready to embrace changes, and adapt to it.

But have you ever asked yourself, what's that "constant" in your life?

in a life full of changes, are you going to be just one of those that go with the flow? what are your principles? where do you stand in important issues in your life? some people call it the bottom line, some call it "principles", some call it "beliefs", some call it "faith", some call it "value system"...

i call it 'constant'

to me, this 'constant' comes with life experiences, it comes from the culture you're in, it comes with your family brought up, it comes from the education you receive.

i recently realized that this "constant" kept me unfazed in times of crisis, i recently realized that this "constant" is my own sense of confidence, and i believe that leaders derive their charisma from their sense of "constant".

it is something more realistic than dreams, it is something more idealistic than being pragmatic, it is something more big-hearted than stubbornness.

it is a "constant" in your mind, in your heart...

it is definitely something more than telling yourself that "change is the only constant in life", trust me, there was once when i try telling that to myself, but that didn't make me happier at all.

it is something that makes you stands out from the crowd

it is a "constant" that makes you confident in facing the constant changes in life.

and i believe its in everyone of us, in our heart, there's this place which i call it as the "constant".

finally back to my blog. im going to blog about all i felt for the past 2 weeks. after that, i promise myself that i'll close up this chapter in life and move on to the next.
27th October 0917hr, ill rememeber this date and time forever. it was the time when i lost my dad...

Heaven has its ways to let me know that i've been taking things in my life for granted, first in 2006, on friendship; and this time round, on kinship.

In my mind, i've been planning it for umpteenth time on how im going to let my parents enjoy life after i graduate. i've been thinking about it everytime when my dad sent me to school, which is almost everyday. i've been thinking that i'll bring my parents to china when i got a stable job and pay. ive been thinking that ill bring my dad on a plane (he's never been onto one before). ive been thinking that i'll buy a car next time and drive him around. ive been thinking...

My relationship with my dad is that of those traditional father-and-son relationship. we seldom talk to each other a lot. i remember that the last time my dad seriously warned me was during jc A-levels, the last time he really held my hands and wish me all the best was in february before i board the plane. when i saw him lying on the bed, head swelling after the operation, all that was flooding my mind were all these "last times"...
the only time i drove him around was this year's chinese new year, when i drove him and my mum to buy roasted duck for cny...
life is full of ironies: my dad had been driving pple around all his life for the past 30 years, when he was finally driven by someone else, its his journey to the crematorium; the one week when my dad was in the hospital, i talked to my dad, lying unconcious, more than any other time added together; my dad doesnt smoke, doesnt drink, doesnt gamble, but life was just fated in this way that he had to leave at 67.

it was only after my dad passed away, that i started to understand why he does certain things the way he did: why he insisted on driving me to school since secondary school; why he had always asked me to jiao3 ta4 shi2 di4 de zuo4 ren2; why he willingly gave up the $2000 my grandma left behind to his only elder brother; why he prefers to keep quiet when people point fingers at each other during those normal "family meetings".

my dad was such a man, placing family before everything, placing friends before himself, sometimes even before my mum. to him, a man can be poor, but cannot live without principles. he doesnt see the need to argue, coz he believes that Heaven has eyes...
one of these days during the wake, a neighbour came along and told us that a week before my dad had a stroke, he saw my neighbour limping on one foot, and so, he carried my neighbour up to her unit...
sometimes, when he sees an old friend, relative or neighbours, he will even give them free rides...

such a man, such a father, and i didnt even take a shot together with him before, except for the few family photos. the only photo i had with him was in the hospital, a few days before his departure, when he's lying on the bed, unconcious.
and i havent show him the pictures i took in china since i returned...

I cried very hard on the 2nd night and third day of my dad admission into the hospital. I really regretted the things that i've done and not done. i really asked for my dad's forgiveness. i really hoped that things can be back to normal when i open my eyes again. I really hope that there is a 2nd chance. for all these years, ive been free to do the things that i want to do, pursue my dreams. for all these years, i thought that by achieving lots and lots, im doing my parents proud. but on that moment, all i thought of was to rewind everything.
"its only a few more months to my graduation, its only 3 months since i came back from china", i kept thinking to myself...
and then i stopped crying since the third day, because i realised that everyday when i wake up, i have to face the same reality, that my dad is lying there, getting weaker and he might eventually leave us.
I have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. hahs, what an irony again.
or rather, i had no time to really think about it and cry since then.

at 0913 on that fateful Deepavali Monday, I was shivering in fear, i saw the heartbeat on the life-supporting machine dropping bit by bit, heading to zero. i trembled. Yet there was nothing i could do to stop death god from taking my dad away. All I could do was to tell him to an xin shang lu, ill take care of the family and be a good son. his condition went critically bad on the early morning when im doing the night shift to look after him.
and so i called my family to inform them about the situation. and so i waited. and so i prayed.

when the doctor came out of the room, when we were being informed of his passing away, my family crumbled, my sis and mum were crying. and so, all the "by-defaults" started to come in

by default, as the only son, i'm supposed to be strong for the family
by default, i talked to the doctor on what are the things to do following his death.
by default, i tried to convinced the doctor for my mum to not send my dad to the mortuary and coroner
by default, i went to choose the coffin, settle the funeral stuff with my uncles
by default, i went to claim the body from the mortuary the next day
by default, i had to make lots of decisions for the funeral
by default, i had to liaise with lotsa people to get things done
by default, i had to convince my eldest sis, who had converted to christianity, to go through the taoist rites
by default, i had to convince and support my 2nd sis and mum to face up to the reality

crying doesnt solve the problem, staying in despair will only spread to others neagative feelings, whats more important are those that are living, i kept telling myself...

on the night of the ritual, i finally saw the "lantern" that people had always been talking about. the item that the eldest son had to carry during funeral according to chinese traditions. to me, it signify something else: its the responsibility that i never thought of taking up, or rather, not so soon.

and so, everything ended on friday 31st oct. we were glad that the remains after the cremation showed that my dad had been a healthy person, and that he had a sarira on his bones! maybe this is an indication that his soul had reached Heaven.

I'm really thankful to all my friends and relatives who had been supportive of me through this difficult times, especially to those who had chatted and talked cock with me during that period of time. It was really you people that took my mind off the sorrows and despair. Thanks!

And to my dad, pa, i promise you i'll continue to do you proud and 撑起这个家的

looking at things on a more positive light, the whole incident made me grow up by at least another 5 years. I getta know myself better and my stand on many issues as a result. Im not sure how much ive changed but surprisingly, im now more confident and positive in facing life's challenges, coz we never know what's going to happen in our life next! in fact, im a lil curious about what will happen to me when i grow old, esp when everyone keeps saying that i look exactly like my dad! hmm! relationships between me and my relatives became better. and suddenly i felt as if im on the same level as them... oh well, mebbe that's "by default" as well.

but by default, now for everything i do, i have to think about my family first. i cannot have that care-less (free) mentality anymore

but im still a little sensitve when pple use terms such as "go and die la", "kao beh", "my father..." coz "go and die" isnt really that difficult, and im really in the position of "kao beh", if you guys know the real meaning behind kbkb...

I saw my dad in my dreams on the 7th day night, hahs he looks happy, though still bald coz of the operation i guess, and surprisingly, he's in sports attire! in cap and shorts! enjoy yourself up there, Pa!

And so, this chapter of my life is now closed.

The designer is darkdegree and is designing for a simple reason for his birthday. Brushes used are simple stars and city brushes found from deviantart